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A Helping Hand for Healing Souls

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(altho' the terms are female for the victim.. males are also abused in these ways)
All types of relationships can contain these forms of abuse......

Physical and sexual assault,  or threats to commit them, are the most
apparent forms of domestic violence are the most apparent forms of
domestic violence and are usually the actions that allow others to
become aware of the problem.  However, regular use of other abusive
behaviors by the batterer, when reinforced by one or more acts of
physical violence, make up a larger system of abuse.  Although
physical assaults may occur only once or occasionally, they insist
threat of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to take control
of the woman's life and circumstances.

The Power and Control diagram is a particularly helpful tool in
understanding the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors,
which are being used by a batterer to establish and maintain control
over his partner.  Very often, one or more violent incidents are
accomplished by an array of these other types of abuse.  They are
less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pattern of
intimidation and control in the relationship.


Making her afraid by using looks, actions and gestures.  Smashing
things.  Destroying her property.  Abusing pets.  Displaying weapons.

Putting her down.  Making her feel bad about herself..  Calling her
names.  Making her think she is crazy.  Playing mind games.
Humiliating her.  Making her feel guilty.

ISOLATION: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what
she reads and where she goes.  Limiting her outside involvement.
Using jealousy to justify actions.

Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns seriously.
Saying the abuse didn't happen.  Shifting responsibility for abusive
behavior.  Saying she caused it.

USING CHILDREN: Making her feel guilty about the children.  Using the
children to relay messages.  Using visitation to harass her.
Threatening to take the children away.

ECONOMIC ABUSE: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job.  Making
her ask for money.  Giving her an allowance.  Taking her money.  Not
letting her know about or have access to family income.

MALE PRIVILEGE: Treating her like a servant: making all the big
decisions.  Acting like the "master of the castle".  Being the one to
define men's and women's roles.

COERCION AND THREATS: Making and/or carrying out threats to do
something to hurt her.  Threatening to leave her, commit suicide or
report her to welfare.  Making her drop charges.  Making her do
illegal things.


NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOR:  Talking and acting so that she feels safe
and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.

RESPECT:  Listening to her non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally
affirming and understanding.  Valuing her opinions.

TRUST AND SUPPORT:  Supporting her goals in life.  Respecting her
right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY:  Accepting responsibility for self.
Acknowledging past use of violence.  Admitting being wrong.
Communicating openly and truthfully.

RESPONSIBLE PARENTING:  Sharing parental responsibilities.  Not
labeling parenting, "babysitting", Being a positive, nonviolent role
model for the children.

SHARED RESPONSIBILITY:  Mutually agreeing on a failure distribution
of work.  Making family decisions together.

ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP:  Making money decisions together.  Making sure
both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS:  Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to
conflict. Accepting changes.  Bing willing to compromise.

*Developed by:  The Domestic Violence Intervention Project, Duluth, MN


Volunteer Your Time

Under this heading, we'll give information about how and where to volunteer time and energy.

Register for an Upcoming Event

Fun activities are a great way to get people involved. Here we might describe some of our organization's activities and include a link to the "Recent and Upcoming Events" page.

Make a Donation

Here we'll talk about how to make a donation, reminding people that charitable contributions are tax deductible.

Write a Letter or Sign a Petition

Here we might list the names of people to write to or suggest signing an online petition.

Copyright 2005 A.H.H.H.S. (A Helping Hand for Healing Souls)